Life really can change in a flash.

So, I am pretty sure everyone knows my Grandma unexpectedly passed away in July.  Your whole life you grow up knowing your Grandparents are older and your time with them is (relatively) limited, but there was something so special about this lady... I swear to you I thought she would be here forever.  I lost my Grandma Hagerdorn in high school, but I think I was too young to comprehend what the loss really was.  As sudden as her passing was, we were at least given the time to say goodbye to her.  My Grandpa Hagerdorn is another story, it feels like when his wife passed we also lost him.  From that moment on the Alzheimers really set in and although he lived years after her passing, it still feels like I lost both of them at the same time.  Now fast forward, I knew Grandma Lila had been in pain recently but I never imagined it would turn out the way it did.  I look through emails from the past few months and realize she had been in pain for quite some time.  So, my Grandma went into the hospital because she couldn't ambulate anymore and it all just snowballed into one absolutely tragic event that ended up taking the life of my Grandma WAY too early.  The reason I explain everything is because I am really finding myself struggling since her passing.  Not only do I feel enormous amounts of guilt for not calling her like I had been telling myself to that morning but I should have emailed and called her more often.  The guilt pretty much just sits with me every day, I should have been a better granddaughter.  The other thing I am not handling well is figuring out what the point of everything is?  I know that is a vague question, but it is how I feel.  I wanted so much for her to meet Coltan, Dustin, and the girls.  She loved to laugh, and I can't even begin to tell you how much she would have adored Coltan (and Dustin, lol).  I wanted to share my wedding with her.  She was really proud of me for pursuing my nursing degree, and I really wanted to share that with her as well.  She was the one I turned to for advice on how to handle 4 kids, working, school, and the chaos that is involved in every day of my life.  So, I have been battling lately with trying to convince myself not to give up right now.  I keep thinking I want to just give up going to school full time, find an easier job, stop working nights, and just relax and enjoy the time that I should have been devoting to talking with my Grandma.  Life goes by too fast, and I cannot get that time with her back and that is a very hard realization.  So, when this all hits me I read through her emails where she clearly expresses how proud she is of me and I just tell myself to troop on because she is watching over me and I hope she realizes just how much I really love and miss her.

Now that I have had yet another good cry, I can move on to another topic.  Wedding.  Boy oh boy, I have totally let that one go over the past few weeks but I can GLADLY share that I have just finished invitations today and they are going out in the mail!  YAY!  Although I feel nowhere near where I want to be physically to buy a dress, Mom is coming to town next week and we are going SHOPPING!  I am mostly excited to just spend time with my Mom and my Sister, I love them dearly and I miss girl-time!  Now, to just get Dustin to get fitted for a tux next month and we will be ready to go (lol, don't I wish).

My boys are actually with my parents this week, and as much as I miss them it has been a relief to catch up and even get ahead with homework and housework.  Also, spending some quality time with Dustin has been nice too... he just lost a friend last week so it has been nice to just take it easy and let him handle the loss the best way he can.  I even went to a movie alone today!  I always wanted to but was afraid people would think I am crazy, the only weird part was laughing and because no one else was in the theatre I may have sounded a bit nutty when I kept laughing.  Other than that, it was fantastic!  Then, I went and bought some rollerblades because I am determined to kick some weight off before this wedding/vacation!  I can't wait to go down to the park early in the morning, before the heat and humidity set in, and work my tail off!  Hopefully this will help keep my stress levels in check as well, haha.

I think have rambled on enough for now, time to get back to business =).  I hope everyone out there is having a really great week and don't forget to take time out to let those close to you know how much you love them!  I have included some pictures of my beautiful angel of a Grandmother, I love you and miss you terribly!

(Thanksgiving in Seward)

(When Grandma came to visit us in England... look at poor Teri and her chicken pox!)
 

(Reunion in 2007... Technically Coltan did meet Grandma, he just so happened to be in utero =] )